ASK RAD JOSE: MANGO EDITION PART 3

A broad that’s abroad, Brooke asks
“Will Jeff Mangum of Neutral Milk Hotel be appearing with Olivia Tremor Control at All Tomorrow’s Parties in April?”

Yes, he actually will. Cool eh? Pretty snazzy! But he will be wearing a disguise. He’ll be dressed as the second coming of Kurt Cobain. He will also try to play the part. And sadly in the end it’ll all be quite shit. But the rest at All Tomorrow’s Parties will rock harder to make up for it, and that’ll be rad.

Super Flunky, serial number: 76 needs to know
“Splinter or Mr. Miyagi?”

Mr. Miyagi, only because Splinter giggles every time Mr. Miyagi says “Wax Off”.

the Tricky Pants asks
“What about your favorite cocktail? Tell me about it.”

2 parts Drano and 1 part Grenadine garnished w/ a Twizzler. It goes down smooth with the delicious taste of cherry. Mmm mmm. I’m getting thirsty just thinking about it.

Bean Jackson chimes in with this
“Dear Joser,
I am a muppetfromspace, which leads most people to believe im gonzo. WRONG. Im Yoda you dumbasses. maybe not in actuallity but in spirit. tell me which muppet you are and why.”

Let’s see. I’m cranky. I’m self important. I’m old. I like sitting up higher than everyone and passing judgment. I think that makes me Waldorf or Statler.

the loverly Cara asks
“who do you like better…me or Liz? Haha…answer if you dare.”

I dare! You. But only slightly more than one of those cocktails I was going on about earlier.

Dono needs to know
“who would u rather eat from the same plate, wear the same undergarments and sleep in the same bed with if i give u these choices and why ever would u (u must choose)…john tesh or gerardo (u know…the rico suave guy)?”

Tough question. Do I pick based on musical ability or raw sexiness? I hate to back down from a question. This is a tough one. Dono, why’d you have to do this to me? YOU BASTARD! You know that I really want to pick you! Why do you tease me with promises of Gerardo and Tesh? Huh? TEASE! Go to hell! BURN BURN BURN!.. Oh, Tesh of course.

Tricky Pants is back for more with
“What is the exact formula for the hardcore rocking that is Dollface?”

Coincidently enought it’s 2 parts Drano and 1 part Grenadine only this time garnished w/ pure, 100% Columbian Coca-Cola.

Bean Jackson is also back
“IS THE NEW TMBG OUT??????? I must know!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

It just came out today. Do you like making me a corporate shill? Do you? I just had to sell out and pimp They Might be Giants because you asked. Are you getting a kick back? Huh? Is this one of those online street team subtle promotional things? You ass hat! That’s not what “Ask Rad Jose” was built for. Dammit Bean, you’re off the list!

And lastly, the wonderful Gizzy Fish poses this
“dont you hate it when you reach in the fridge for sweet delicious grapes, and they end up tasting like motor oil and banana peels? What Would happen if you combined the super hero powers of grape and mango? Would there be a new snapple flavor in the near future?”

Of course I hate those terrible grapes too, Jose is only human, even if he exhibits god like knowledge power beam thought currents. If you combined grape and mango you would create a fruit vortex of flavour that would render your tongue not only a shade of lovely green, but put it in a state of bliss. This bliss is so irresistible that the tongue will not taste anything other than this wonderful Grape/Mango flavour for the next hour. This turns you into a kind of anti-taster, and you can perform certain heroic feats as such. Like eating your best friend terrible cooking! Winning dares on eating disgusting things! Um, ah, other money making ventures! Snapple actually fears letting loose this power onto the masses and thusly it’ll never be an official Snapple flavour, but if you break into their secret base in West Virginia and sing the Meow Mix song they will give you a case for the cost of a Buffalo Nickel.

And that’s all i have for today. Keep asking away kids, we’re at the halfway point here, only so long to go before the smarty machine that is my brain is kept to myself again.

This month is the somewhat triumphant return of the very popular and interesting “Ask Rad Jose” segment of my journal. So, in the tradition of Dr. Science, Dan Kennedy and Dylan Wissing i present to you “Ask Rad Jose”! Seriously you may ask me anything (not math) and i will attempt to answer it. For it is true: i have no shame! Just pose a question in the comments section and i will answer them to the best of my ability in my next “Ask Rad Jose” LJ entry… it’ll be kinda lame, kinda flash!

ASK RAD JOSE: MANGO EDITION PART 2

Little Lord Bruce asks
“When is it appropriate to lie?”

This is simple, on Opposite Day. That way technically you are telling the truth.

all the way from Sunshine, the florida state, Mr. Flunky asks
“if it would have happened, who would have won the fight between Vince Neil and Axl Rose?”

i think Axl is just crazy enough to pull out some sweet moves that none of us knew he had and kick Vince Neils ass. Axl is well known for studying nearly dead martial arts techniques, or is it not well known? Well if you didn’t before you know now, and that’s what “Ask Rad Jose” is all about.

the very lovely Costello Folds (not her real name) wants to know
“If you were a member of the X-Men, which one would you be? (and you can’t say Wolverine, because everyone wants to be Wolverine)”

Easy: Quintin Quire. Okey, this is true. Not some normal “Ask Rad Jose” style send up. i would be Quintin Quire. Pudgy face, glasses, misfit, half crazy, part Phoenix Force, that’s who i’d be. And i could never be Wolverine, my brother already is.

Jane (who’ll follow yr car anywhere) asks
“why does leg hair grow slower in the winter then in the summer? Shouldn’t it be the other way around so your legs can stay warm in the cold?”

Actually that doesn’t happen to everyone. In fact i’ve never noticed any flux in my leg hair growth season to season. i think that you just need some more pretzels, root beer and honey in your diet. You’ll be all good after that, i’m sure of it.

Tricky Pants sends a question my way
“do you believe in the power of febreze?”

The first commandment of Febreze is that “You shall worship no other god than Febreze” isn’t it? So do i believe in the power of Febreze? Hell yes i do! i would hate to be dammed to end up in the Land of Dirty Laundry, and it smells. Do i believe in the power of Febreze? Heck yeah, this is America isn’t it? And if you don’t like it, get back to France you Commie Nazi wanker!

SkaGirlie hits me up with the classic
“should I go all the way?”

Of course you should SkaGirlie, nobody likes a quitter!

and here’s our final message for this session
“Dear Jose,
Do you think it’s a good idea to stop static cling with slices of spam?
Sincerely,
Curiously Confused”

Actually C.C., i think it’s much better than using Flaming Hot Cheetos. It’s the “goo” in the spam that kicks that static cling right out. This is a tip for all those that don’t practice such static cling ridding actions. And on the plus side you get to smell like meat and you’re the most popular kid at the animal shelter!

There you go kids, more knowledge to put in your head! Keep the questions coming, you only have ’till the end of the month to learn everything you ever need to know!

This month is the somewhat triumphant return of the very popular and interesting “Ask Rad Jose” segment of my journal. So, in the tradition of Dr. Science, Dan Kennedy and Dylan Wissing i present to you “Ask Rad Jose”! Seriously you may ask me anything (not math) and i will attempt to answer it. For it is true: i have no shame! Just pose a question in the comments section and i will answer them to the best of my ability in my next “Ask Rad Jose” LJ entry… it’ll be the most exciting time of yr life!

ASK RAD JOSE: MANGO EDITION

From Timothy Joseph, suspected of being in league w/ Tricky Pants
“What about mangos?”

Well Timothy Joseph,
While the mangoes were, with out a doubt, brought to this country against their will, i think they add a lot to America’s already rich culture. I sometimes feel sorry that the Citronians made them come here as slaves on their interdenominational ships, but more over I’m glad to have them. Remember kids, May is Mango History Month.

JP, newly minted father and the original Ragoon needs to know
“Do you like me mangos circle yes or no.”

Dear JP,
I circled the OR so that can only mean one thing. I like Oregon better than you or mangoes.

Mysterious entity the Brandon sends this message
“What’s the best accompaniment to mangoes?”

Pie. Pie is perfect and goes w/ everything. Pie is even better after several beers and four slices of Hoops pizza.

now one from the always awesome Kippy Hotpants
“What is the best type of potato chip? In your opinion.”

Jay’s Calypso Crunch. It was real. I swear it. It was like a BBQ chip that also had pineapple flavouring. It was so good. They don’t make it any more, nor do they admit to it. Much like Jones Soda and the Pineapple Upsidedown Cake Soda. It’s all a conspiracy by the mangoes to keep the pineapple down!

the delightful Bruce asks
“Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop?”

It was a complete accident it was Ronald Regan and Tom Jones. They ran into each other in a hallway at Sun Studios and dropped what they were holding and it mixed together. A “hey you got bop in my bop she bop she bop!” “no you got bop she bop she bop in my bop!” kind of thing.

Chelsea Rice is desperate to know
“do you like white cheddar cheez-its?”

If they are free. The taste of free is highly underrated. If they’re not free then the answer oddly enough is a question: Would they go good with mangoes? circle yes or no.

and here’s my final question this session
“Dear Rad Jose:
I read on Live Journal that you’re on crack. Tell me it isn’t true!!
signed,
Detoxing in Delaware
p.s. What’s up with the Mangos?”

Dear D.I.D.,
Don’t believe everything you read on Live Journal. It is filled with lies. Lies upon lies upon lies that somehow get us back to the truth, and sometimes provide a tear in space-time. This tear in space-time allows us all access a world made up completely of lies and used tissues. Wait… Crack? I can’t afford that stuff, Rad Jose sticks to NyQuil and Tang. And to answer your post script: What’s up with the mangoes indeed!

That’s all i have for this entry, but keep them coming!

This month is the somewhat triumphant return of the very popular and interesting “Ask Rad Jose” segment of my journal. So, in the tradition of Dr. Science, Dan Kennedy and Dylan Wissing i present to you “Ask Rad Jose”! Seriously may ask me anything (not math) and i will attempt to answer it. For it is true: i have no shame! Just pose a question in the comments section and i will answer them to the best of my ability in my next “Ask Rad Jose” LJ entry… it’ll be kinda sorta maybe okey.