ASK RAD JOSE TAKES ON THE WEST COAST part TWO

Here we go again kids! All the answers that you’ve been dieing to know! I shall answer them so that you can go to yr grave a happy happy chunk of flesh and bones.

ye olde Tenacious Me wants to know
guess who’s coming out your way next month?

I think it’s the reanimated corpse of Joseph Stalin, that or the Chairman Mao were-spider. One of those. Who am I kidding with the “I think” business? Really? Ha! Well they MAY come my way next month, but for SURE the ghost of Jack White. I hear you say “but he’s not dead,” and that’s correct. His ghost is from the future. Idiots.

ze Zen Cookie pops in with 2 questions
I always wanted to move to the Burbank area and work for Nicktoons Network, or do something in the voice-over artist field. How would I go about making these dreams of mine come true?

It’s obvious. So obvious I shouldn’t have to tell you. But I will, cuz I’m a swell guy. Okey, maybe just small hint. Wish on a Magic Infinity-Ball (it’s a Magic 8-Ball on it’s side) on the next full moon at 11:23 PM. Add up the number of letters in the answer it gives you and consult the I-Ching. The answer will be beyond a shadow of a doubt on what to do.

The release date for the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has been announced. How will this affect our lives?

It’s never been harder for me not to answer in a snarky way ever in my life. Am I a fundamentally mean person? Yes, yes I am. But I’ll take it easy, as you’ve never been anything but rooftop shingles and blue translucent 12″ records to me. And also because if I don’t Mr. TheRuiner will sic an army of hoboes on me if I do. So read this and be warned: It will make the year longer by 6 seconds as well as improve the taste of bacon.

Mr TheRuiner is simply asks
what time is it?

This has got to be the best question I’ve ever gotten. Time, one could say is relative. It’s not! It’s firmly set. Time is candy. As in the equation “t = yummy”, where the time is t and candy is yummy. It really is. It’s hard candy. Like candy. From Grandma’s. Stuck in a big ole ball! (YAY for obscure references!) And that ball of candy says that it’s Licorice O’Clock and Lemon Drop minutes PM (Peppermint Meridiem).

Atomik is going blue in the face as I’ve waited until the last minute on this one
what does a big bad wolf wear to a sweathearts dance date?

Isn’t the Big Bad Wolf a cross dresser? I mean he put on Grandma’s house coat quite readily. But that seems out of question for a Sweethearts Dance. Hrm. I suggest green cords, a pair of Chuck Taylor high tops (red or blue with checker board laces) and a shirt made out of hibiscus flowers woven together by a virginal korean teenager. Don’t bother wearing underwear, as it’ll only get in you’re dates way at the end of the dance when she thanks you for a wonderful night. And that’s one to remember!

Okey kids. This one was fairly easy, come on, where are the hard ones? Huh? Bring it on! Losers.

This month is the somewhat triumphant return of the very popular and interesting “Ask Rad Jose” segment of my journal. So, in the tradition of Dr. Science, Dan Kennedy and Dylan Wissing i present to you “Ask Rad Jose”! Seriously you may ask me anything (not math) and i will attempt to answer it. For it is true: i have no shame! Just pose a question in the comments section and i will answer them to the best of my ability in my next “Ask Rad Jose” LJ entry… will you go to prom with me, and dance and dance and dance and dance?

ASK RAD JOSE TAKES ON THE WEST COAST part ONE

Could it be? Would it be? More to the point… should it be? The answer is always a resounding “YES!” Unless of course you are totally no fun then it’s “ug, not this again!” Yes folks, it’s that magical time of year again, where I show off my smarts and you get to reap the benefits when you Ask Rad Jose!

Okey, yeah, last year I miserably failed at this, but trust me folks, the stars have aligned and every thing will go on well and your questions will be answered! YEAH! That’s right, you heard me! So shoot, ask me what is on your mind, and I promise to not only share it with you, but others, so that we ALL may learn!

And speaking of the failings last year… we have a small batch left from then! Oh, Jose is a terrible slacker! So why don’t we start off and get started with those right now eh? Get them out of the way so that we can get some fresh questions in here!

the Wonder Skylar needs to know the answers to these 2 questions
I was wondering when it is that me and you will be so sloshed that we will embrace eachother and only speak in jokes that should have been funny in the 70′s?

It will be a Friday… late at night, nearing Saturday morning. That’s all I got my man, the rest is hazy.

Now I have a real question for you! If I cant find pants with the right lenght and I am forced to buy pants that are one siz too long, how do I not step on the bottom of the legs, as well as not cuffing them and destroying them at the cuff?

Really Skylar, is it that hard to grow longer legs? Damn slacker. You make me look like a work-aholic!

The lovely young Rish asks
why are my fingers sticky?

Lemonade. You bathe in the stuff girl! I’ve heard tell of you lemonade bathers, smelling all sweet and citrusy all during the day, luring in children and bees to crush into a fine powder and make delicious cakes with. The side effect of eating all those bee & baby cakes is sticky hands. It’s hard to avoid. The only way to fix the sticky fingerness is to rinse your hands in a fish bowl that contains 3 gold fish and blue rocks. Make sure it’s blue rocks, the green ones will make you hallucinate and the red one’s will make you cry grape soda.

The ever curious 3D Steve questions me with
is the NSA intercepting this communique?

For the sake of the November Separatists Alliance (Motto: “November 12 months a year, that’s a Turkey Dinner a MONTH! ALL YEAR LONG!”) I certainly hope not. I think they have enough weirdness going for them with out reading any of my inane typing.

The best little bro ever Dayv sends a huge batch of queries
how many is ocho?

As many as you want it to be. Ocho is magical and cannot be quantified! No matter what the dirty Spanish speakers of the world say!

who wants to fuck me?!

When you wear a swanky cowboy shirt: Everyone. When you dress like Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden: 17 1/2 yr old girls. In your kilt: Every Scottish citizen who ever lived… even teh historical Mel Gibson!

when will 1209 play again?

The Japanese reunion show tour is being scheduled for some time in the summer of 2009.

will tim remember the songs?

By that time Tim will be replaced by a John Hodgman cyborg.

how fuckin’ sweet is Josh and Krysta’s weddin’ gonna be?

It will be super damn fantastic! It will be the merging of souls, that much like the merging of two planets will spark a disastrous party of epic proportions. It’s a reception that I look forward too. Booze and destoyed civilizations at every corner.

when will S-bomber propose to Queen LaTakesithard

The problem with sitting on question is that they will answer themselves. S-bomber finally sacked up and asked her for her hand. The royal wedding is this summer. The LaTakesithard kingdom promises to rule in a kind but rough fashion.

how many girlfriends will it take Dub to get before they find out about each other?

I think Dub could safely take on up to 3. Bastard.

And the ever popular, smoke free Tricky Pants wanted to know
Can you explain functions to me? I failed algebra II, yeah, junior year of hs. I don’t, at ALL, understand it, so just make up something if you don’t know. functions are the whole f(x) business – that’s all I know!

I mean, it’s math. That’s my one weakness! Seriously, you couldn’t ask me about the wonders of the universe? Like the planet Flavia, where the only thing that they have in common with the Earth is the fact that we both have paperclips? Or the dimension that’s composed of liquid time? No, you had to ask a stupid math question! Oh you silly silly girl!

Additionally, what makes a hetero lifemate?

Candy usually. As long as there is candy the hertero lifemate relationship can continue. As soon as the candy runs out, well, the world “life” could be dropped. Life = as long as there’s candy to be had.” Remember, candy = love. Always has, always will!

This month is the somewhat triumphant return of the very popular and interesting “Ask Rad Jose” segment of my journal. So, in the tradition of Dr. Science, Dan Kennedy and Dylan Wissing i present to you “Ask Rad Jose”! Seriously you may ask me anything (not math) and i will attempt to answer it. For it is true: i have no shame! Just pose a question in the comments section and i will answer them to the best of my ability in my next “Ask Rad Jose” LJ entry… it’s all about that caffiene high!