I’ve lived in LA now for 2 1/2 years and with in the last about 6 months I’ve had the extreme pleasure of seeing 3 homeless men do their business. And that business, my friends, is pooing. I will now share the stories of this encroaching epidemic.
1: Between the Newspaper Machines next to a Starbucks on Ventura & Vineland
Okey, I kind of have to give it to this guy, he tried to hide a bit. Now see the street side of the Starbucks is actually the back of the Starbucks, so it’s not like there was a lot of coffee drinkers watching this guy. This is also the area where we see the most homeless that don’t ask us for money.. and the occasional puddle of urine. Please remember, I don’t live in a bad neighborhood or anything but it’s one of those nessasary evils when you live in a place with nice weather all year round: There Will Be Bums. Back to this guy, so yeah, he was on the sidewalk but not out in front of anyone, and he was also standing between some newspaper machines so that even walking on the sidewalk you don’t know what is going on until you get closer, the other side was the street and NO ONE in LA pays attention to what’s going on on the road let alone the side walk. So yeah, he was pretty incogneto until you get close to him, but then of cource, it’s too late. Now I must confess, I didn’t see the poo in question, what Allison and I did catch was him wiping his ass with a newspaper. He also had the decencey to look embarased and pull up his pants quickly. Then again, I don’t care HOW much you think you’re hiding, you’re STILL ON THE DAMN SIDEWALK NEAR A BUSY INTERSECTION!
2: In front of Ripley’s Museum on Hollywood and Highland
Yeah, Hollywood and Highland, this IS the tourist area, it’s always full of people because of this. I almost didn’t want to tell this story as the pooping is the least interesting part of it, but the theme here is bum + poo = this post so I’m letting it go. In fact, at first, my group at I wern’t even sure what was going on. Allison, Brenden and I had just got done having dinner at Mel’s Diner and were on our way back the subway, as we make our way up Highland towards Hollywood Blvd we see something fall next to a palm tree into the street. A car lays on it’s breaks pretty hard and stops short of what fell. I figure it’s a palm leaf, but as we get closer we see that it’s a passed out homeless man. One who had just took a header onto the hard pavement. And as we get even closer, one that has his pants down around his ankles and his bare ass straight up in the air. He laid there passed out for a while, and the car that stopped short of crushing his noggin stayed there until he eventually got up and moved on back next to the wall. It seems that as he was going to take the poo, he just passed the damn out. What is so curious is that he walked over from the wall of Ripley’s closer to the street to poo next to the palm tree, when where he got up from (this is an assumtion as this is where he went post-poo) was RIGHT NEXT TO A DARK ALLEY WAY! Why decide to drop a duece on argueably the busiest corner in LA when you have access to a nice secluded alley?
3: The corner of Ventura and Vineland
This is the most brazen! This is the one that if I saw in a movie or on a television show I would say “fake! No one does that,” and yet, I witnessed it. This was right on the sidewalk. Well on the curb from this little grassy area above the sidewalk. This is the kinda place you may sit and wait for the bus on. As Allison and I walked up to the corner I notice this guy sitting and I see that his pants are down just enough so that you can only tell from the side. I move Allison to my other side, away from the bum, when I do this she notices that his pants are down bit as well. We start exchanging looks as if to say “Is he pooing?” “I think he’s pooping?” “He can’t be pooping here, can he?” “It certainly seems so, right?” After a few minutes waiting for the light to change, so we could cross, there’s a creeping smell that lets us know that there is no doubt what’s going on. I mean, this bum had balls, there’s no doubt about that, this is ON THE CORNER ON THE CORNER! Once again, he was not too far away from several dark out of the way places to do this. I mean, really, I still can’t believe this one, he was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ANYONE AND EVERYONE POOING! Oh, and on this one Allison totally checked later, there was some poo evidence this time.