THE MASSIVE ASK RAD JOSE: PART 1

You kids ready for the knowledge?

We start w/ five from Mr. TheRuiner of the Crawfish Capitol of the world.
what is the perfect breakfast?

Cream of wheat atop a waffle and a Guiness

can you shag a carpet?

I personally cannot, but I saw this chick in Tiquana…

if i sold my pants, would you buy them?

Only if the money went to charity. That’s because I have no use for yr pants as I rarely ever wear them. I can regularly be seen in a pair of jamms or board shorts.

how’s jalajalaha’u?

Great actually, I mean, after “The Accident” we were all worried, but, in the end, everything worked out for the best.

best sexual position?

That moment right after when yr totally satitisfied, and right before you pur yr self in the possition of asking for the payment due for yr services.

“Ask Rad Jose” regular the Brandon asks
you know when you put the thing in the thing and you move it all around and you’re all like “Woohoo Mothaphuka!” and then out of nowhere there comes a drum roll followed by a rim shot and then the thing starts to make a bzzzzt type noise inevitably followed by a loud “cachunk calunk” and so on, and then the other thing is broken….why is that?

Like most things in life the answer can be found by using the number 23.

the wonderful Tricky Pants had a twofer
why are girls just so squishypretty?

You have stumped the Jose. He whole heartedly agrees with you yet has not done the proper research into finding the answer. It’s half lazyness, half not wanting to spoil the suprise.

additionally, what exactly makes honeydew “the money melon”?

Many people think that because the honeydew is green, like American money. This, however, is so far from true it’s amazing that folks still belive this. The reason are is because honeydew melons are rich. Scrooge McDuck rich. They can buy off most melon pickers to leave them be. Only the poor ones w/ no mob ties wind up at yr local grocer. For as many of them as there is, we only see about 2% of those rich bastards.

lil Ms. Jane needs to know
where did i lose my I.d?

At the bottom of a bottle of rum. I saddly don’t know WHICH bottle of rum it is. If you need help finding it, give me a call.

the highly professional Cousin Sean asks
How did Neil Patrick Harris get on TV Again?

Well they let Antonio from “Wings” back on, so the television producers of America thought “what the hell, why not?”.

Porkchop’s Internet Girlfriend: Real, Fake or Dub?

It’s a real girl who dresses up as Dub on the weekends in her 1209towanda cosplay group.

What is my favorite movie?

Weekend at Bernies

If Cousin Rockstar, Dave and Myself were hanging off a cliff who would you save 1st, 2nd and last?

First you, my sweet lil drunk, then Joey, cuz he has all the cool ideas and I love to hear a story butchered. I wouldn’t save Dave because then I could be the tourtured artist type.

Who Will be Bald first Dave Sterr or Dub?

It’ll be a tie w/ Cousin E-Ball serving as the judge.

The wonderful Bean writes in
can guys be lesbians…cause I think im a lesbian… I mean Im always falling for girls that like girls in a very cliche’ pinkertron-esc way. and tegan and sara are just too cute. man… Im a lesbian.

Bean, this is America, you can be anything you want!

the fork known as Corky wants to know
so this ‘makeout madness’ i’ve been diagnosed with, it seems to be a disease i cannot shake. is there any cure!?! i must know dr. rad!

It’s not like yr dieing or have some really terrible disease. I mean it’s a kissing disease (not like mono) so really, is it that bad? Go ask every one you’ve ever made out with, see if they think it was a problem. I somehow doubt that they will say it was. If I’m wrong then drink the juice of half a lemon and sing the Star Spangled Banner Backwards and then move into a trailer w/ a lot of cats. You won’t be making out w/ anyone for a while.

also, what would you do-o-o for a klondike bar??

Bite the wax tadpole.

that wonderful Gin Soaked Uncle Silas comes to Jose with this
why the hell is shatner doing ads for a lawyer in peoria?

Because Shatner is the FUCKING MAN! But the real travisty is the fact that Mike Isuzu is doing those ads too! I mean, fuck! This guy was neighbors w/ Dr. Harry Weston! How is HE doing ads for Peorian lawyers? That is the real question.

the Mysterious R hits me up w/ a few
Last night I had five dollars in my pocket. I had it in my hand a lot, too, but at the end of the night I pulled it out and it was a 1! How did that happen?

Much like the body and blood of Christ, it transubstantiated into something more. Sure, it was worth a lot less, but that dollar was lucky and magical. You didn’t spend it did you?

How do I get somebody to replace me at the elbo room so my friends and I can hang out and have cool times at other places?

Turn in yr 2 weeks, it’s an employers job to fill yr possition. Just don’t be suprised later when you can’t go out w/ yr friends and have cool times because you have no money because you quit.

Why are they not showing anything in the trailers for X3 except director guys talking about how “this will be an especially hard movie for wolverine because he has to do something he hates. Lead.” and then show clips from the first two movies?

Hollywood is full of charlatans and liars. This movie has not even been made yet. In May they will release several reels of blank film strip and claim that the Mutant Liberation Front must’ve destroyed them. But this will not be a lie. Fucking muties.

Why can’t I think of more interesting and funny questions?

Not my problem bub.

Ok, so Sherri and Terri, the twins on the Simpsons, why are they not yellow like the other kids? They are white eith purple hair???? Are they sick? What the hell?

I don’t answer questions from bigots.

Full Schwa Effect asks
What is it about cream soda that is so tasty?

Coincidently it’s neither the cream nor the soda. It’s the magic of the sugar fairies that they imbue only in cream soda, the favorite of sugar waters. Yes, the answer is magic, not only that, but fairy magic… okey… that’s a lie, but much like asking what hot dogs are made from, you just don’t want to know.

Will you ever come visit me?

I astrally project into yr place once a week dammit! Don’t tell me you didn’t notice!

What’s new in Rad Jose’s CD player?

It looks like a dead bug. Musically it’s been that Stereolab box set and the new single from Mad King Ludwig, the hottest new band arround.

Robot Allison w/ the question on everyones mind
Why did Travis Barker marry a total whore after he left the Aquabats??

Actually he was kicked out for dating her! The ‘Bats said no to her whorishness due to their strict code of ethics and Mormanism.

the one and only Vodka Whore asks
Why must you be the sexiest person in this house? Cant you share the wealth?

Sadly no. I used to, but Davin always got to my left over sexiness before you did. And who am I kidding, I inherited this sexiness from Noodle because he forgot to pack it up when he moved.

This month is the somewhat triumphant return of the very popular and interesting “Ask Rad Jose” segment of my journal. So, in the tradition of Dr. Science, Dan Kennedy and Dylan Wissing i present to you “Ask Rad Jose”! Seriously you may ask me anything (not math) and i will attempt to answer it. For it is true: i have no shame! Just pose a question in the comments section and i will answer them to the best of my ability in my next “Ask Rad Jose” LJ entry… it’ll be done while i’m totally drunk!

4 responses to “THE MASSIVE ASK RAD JOSE: PART 1

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