Last weekend, with nothing much to do, my lovely girlfriend came up with the notion to spend some time at Universal Studios Theme Park. Not a bad idea, it is always fun, it was a nice day and better yet, just a block away! Also she really wanted to go on the new Universal Backlot Tour to see the newly installed King Kong 3D 360. I was curious about that as well, so after we hit our mandatory ride on the Simpson’s Ride it was time to wait in the long ass line for the now highly demanded Universal Backlot Tour. The King Kong 3D 360 was awesome! By all means check it out, there were a few other things on the Backlot Tour I haven’t seen before either that were awesome… but 5 things pissed me off and annoyed the hell out of me! One is new, the other 4 have been bothering the hell out of me since I first moved here.
ABBA Because Universal put out “Mama Mia” we’re now all subjected to goddamn “Dancing Queen”. “Dancing Queen” is why uneducated people say that disco sucks. That song suck, that song is disco, but dammit, disco doesn’t suck, besides, you’re 15 and don’t even know what you’re talking about!
Billy Bush & Nancy O’Dell That’s right, they annoy me for the same reason and they’re always appearing together in this thing. The annoyance first starts while you stand in line for the tour. They run a loop of these 2 morons reading really terrible, trying too hard and failing to be funny copy that make you embarrassed for English speakers everywhere, on monitors as you wait. It is just too soul crushingly unfunny. And then at the end of the tram ride they return w/ a voice over that makes me want to stab babies.
Al Roker I usually have no problem w/ Mr. Roker, but something about the fake weather report for the backlot that he gives on the monitors the trams have just irks me. Maybe it is just because I think some executive thought “Hey, you know how we can brand this theme park tour w/ something else we own?” and everyone else in the board room called him a genius. I don’t know, I just hate it.
Whoopie Goldberg Once you get on the trams you are subjected to Whoopie on the television screens of your tram every now and again, giving you the history of Universal Studios. It is terrible, I cringe every time the tour host stops talking to switch to a pretaped package, with fear that it will be her. She’s not funny. She hasn’t been remotely funny since what? The early 90s? I’m sure that we can all agree on that. That makes her not funny for nearly 20 years now. Why did the morons putting this together get her to host it then? And have her try to be funny? Her John Wayne impression is so terrible it makes Peter Griffin’s look pretty damn impressive. It is seriously nails on a chalkboard bad. It is like they’re trying to tell us “Hey, its Whoopie! You all like her, right Middle America? She was in movies! Remember when she was funny! You assholes all bought tickets to “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit!” Weren’t you all just delighted when you heard her in “the Lion King?” So this is really all your fault!” Can’t we get someone else? Hell for the few minutes Peter Jackson was on, it was not only refreshing not to see Whoopie, but exciting to see someone legitimately excited to show you something on the backlot as well as not talking down to you.